"They tried to make me go to rehab, I say a no, no, no..."
Amy Winehouse
On February 11, 2008, I boarded a plane with my brother, Matt. We flew to Knoxville, Tennessee. My family and I had chosen Brookhaven Retreat for Women, where I was committed to stay for three months. As I have shared, it was not easy to find a dual-treatment center, for women only. We had spoken numerous times, over the phone, to Jacqueline Dawes. She is the owner and founder of Brookhaven. Her British accent was soothing, reassuring, and strangely delightful to my ears. Her voice cinched the deal for me. After, getting off of the plane, I said goodbye to Matt. It did not phase me that he was leaving me there. I was so "numb". I knew that I had to go...My family had made that clear. I was not "sober" that day. A lil' secret, that I have held onto, was that I had about eight Xanax tucked away. I used them all day. It was not until that night, as I crawled into bed, that I realized where I was...
Brookhaven is nestled in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. Located on a beautiful acreage in Seveirville, Tennessee. The lodge-like setting is very appealing, upon your first view. But, due to any one's need for a treatment center, it is not easily appreciated at first. I remember feeling detached as I entered the main building. Jacqueline was warm and generous in spirit. I also met my therapist, Annabel. I was drawn to her, right away. I was then taken into a room, where someone explained all of the pertinent information to the "program". I retained little, as I was in shock.... However, I was not easily shaken by the fact that my belongings were searched. Or, that things were immediately considered contraband. And, taken. In those first few hours, I met several women. They were a mixture of sweet and distant. Searching me up and down, just as I did them. I was given a room, in the main building. Luckily, alone.
The first week, I slept. A lot. Coming off of the drugs, mixed with the hurt of it all, was exhausting. The entire staff were very helpful. They did their best to make me feel at "home". But, it would be weeks before I really put myself into the program. I eventually went to the groups, classes, and meetings. I slowly allowed myself to open up to Annabel. But, again, it took a long time for the spark of healing to begin. Or, the desire to try, to come forth...
The days at BH are regimented. The CCP's (Constant Pare Providers) wake you up very early. You get dressed. Have breakfast. (When you are severely depressed, this is not easy...) "Community" meetings were next. At this time, a client, who is voted by her peers, leads these meetings for one week. You "check in" your current "feelings". At any given time, while I was there, there were anywhere from 20-40 women. We went around the room and used one word to describe how we felt. (We would do this 3x a day!). Just remember, I was not a happy person. Let's just suffice to say, that the first two months, I was not myself. At all! Remember, the real me, gregarious and fun, had been dormant for years. I was so stinkin' mad at the world! So, can you imagine me doing this? Trying to come up with different words to describe my feelings? For four months!! (I ended up staying longer. I got sick, half wat through my treatment..) I am now infamous for my ability to come up with new ways to describe "anger". "Pi$&edoffedness" was my most popular one. While, I'm not so proud of that now, it described my feelings perfectly! After we did the circle, announcements and schedule changes were discussed. Then, the day started.
Basically, you had 2-4 choices of groups to attend, every hour or so. You were expected to attend. These groups covered a wide variety of topics. Things such as, domestic violence, grief, healthy relationships, boundaries, sexual abuse, addiction, family dynamics, and so on.. As well as, art and equine therapy. We also had "core" group, which was right after lunch. This group consisted of all of your Primary Therapist' clients. You "checked in" your feelings again. Discussed progress and presented projects. Projects were determined largely by your therapist. But, these were also outlined in the program, that was in place for all clientele. You were expected to complete these assignments. By finishing them, you could gain privileges. Things that you would normally take for granted, like walking the grounds, moving up to the "big lodge", going to the store, having more phone time, etc...But, these projects were mostly in place to benefit your overall therapeutic progress. In doing these things, you would "level up".
Upon entrance to Brookhaven, you are called a "Heron". As mentioned above, you are given several things to do, to move up to each new level (turtle, bear, wolf....). Each "animal' had a meaning behind it. Initially, I balked at this whole concept. Bad attitude. Rebellious heart...I still wanted to "check out", not "check in". But, eventually, I succumbed to the process. I remember thinking that some of the projects were silly. But, in doing them, I learned so much about myself. Collages, time lines, family trees, treasure boxes, masks, stones...LOTS of books! I did move all the way through. And, I entered into a program called, "Poncho", which was led by Jacqueline. These models were all in place to help you see yourself with different eyes. To help you see who you were, what got you to where you are, who you are now, and where you want to be.
I met with Annabel, almost daily. We had an instant connection. You can't help but love her. Earthy. Hip. A beautiful soul. Whether, in a room, walking, rocking on the smoking porch....., working with the horses, or just sitting...I looked forward to my time with her. She put up with a lot from me. This is what Annabel wrote in my departure journal, "...Your first week here, was a dramatic contrast to your final week. You have grown in so many ways, in this time. It was as if you were "walking in sleep"-feeling nothing, thinking nothing, and hoping nothing. And, now you are stretching in the morning sun...". I did start to feel again. About half way through my time there, I finally cried. You see, I had not shed tears for many, many months. Not even as Mark brought the kids to say goodbye to me...Most of you might find that hard to believe. After all, I am a highly emotional person. But, I had been dead for so long. After the tears came, Annabel put it like this: That I had found, "courage and value in my tears". My dark soul was beginning to seek the light. While, I was getting out in the sun, I knew deep down, that I really needed the Son....
I had a lot of struggles while at Brookhaven. It was not prison. But, it was...We would have our rooms searched, almost daily. Things taken away. I'm not going to lie. I hid my razors and Excedrin.(Things that I bought on off grounds trips.) I just wanted to rebel. But, when a cutter found a way to slice herself up, I promptly turned mine in. (No. She did not find mine!) What grown up wants to be treated like a child? We did feel that way, at times. "Revolts" would try to surge on occasion. Think about a group of ever-changing, "hurting" women, having their curling irons or deodorant sticks confiscated. Or, told that no one could eat breakfast until everyone was in the dining room. Or, look forward to a day/night out, only to have it cancelled. No television. Books or DVD's taken away, if content might "trigger" something..... Plus, the drama of women, in general............Eee gads! The memories...
I came to realize, while at BH, that I was, in fact, an addict. I began attending NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA meetings, both on and off the grounds. We would pile in the "druggy buggy" and go to Rockville, Maryville, Knoxville...for meetings at night. The Amy Winehouse song was popular at that time...I looked forward to sitting next to Kesha (one of my favorite CCP's), and listening to the radio. I learned so much about myself through these programs. The nature of addiction and the personality types that suffer the most. I even began leading theses groups towards the end of my stay. We were allowed to attend CR (Celebrate Recovery) in Knoxville, too. I did not participate, in that, until close to the end....The first night that I relented and went to CR, the praise band played, "Better is One Day". My heart burst...The missing component, to my treatment, was my faith.....
The truth is, that I could write a small book about my stay in treatment. If I had written this two years ago, it would not have been so favorable. Even though, I had gotten better, I was still sick. Soul sick. My attitude about Brookhaven was somewhat harsh, upon returning home. I needed something to blame for not feeling fixed. After nearly four months, I knew that I had to come home. There was nothing else that Brookhaven could have done for me. The truth is, that my heart and soul needed to be healed on an even deeper level. It would be months before that became clear to me.
One of the best things that has come out of my stay at Brookhaven, are the relationships. I met some amazing women. Through listening to their stories... And, watching them grow. I grew. Lori Robertson is a sister in every sense of the word. Our stories and lives are so similar (w/out addiction). We know that it is a God-thing that we met! I love you, Lori! My sweet friend, Lauren and I, were there the longest on my "stay". We saw a lot of gals come and go. At first, we did not like each other that much. But, after we found ourselves stuck with each other.....Well, I now love her like crazy. The nursing staff were fabulous! CoCo, April, Lori, Mary? were my favs! Last year I had the opportunity to go back for a "reunion". Brookhaven had been open for three years. There were women from all over the country. Most, that I did not know. But, instant connections were made. I hope to do it again. Lori, Lauren, Lisa, Tabitha, Kerry, Maureen, Lelia, Barbara, Joani, Alissa, Courteney, Whitney, Ashley, Waverly, Sarah, Sara, Lori, Trish, Raycene, Amy, Cathey, April, Julie, Brenda, Terry, Margie, Sue, Erica, Melissa, Megan, Nikki, .......and many more! I love you all! One day at a time, sweet sisters!
I am grateful that my family saw fit, to get me help. I thank Brookhaven Retreat for Women for their part in my recovery.
"My fam'ly made me go to rehab, I said a yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Kari Romoser
(Insert winks and giggles...)
Who am I today? I'm the girl that will look anyone in the eye and let you know that you are loved. I will tell you what I went through. And, more importantly.....I will tell you Who saved me.
Google this song, Nicole C. Mullen's, "My Redeemer Lives":
Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning
Who told the ocean you can only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?
Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives
The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory
Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's an empty grave.
And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives.
It is really hard to write something so short about something so big..............you cannot truly know...Please let me know if any of what I am sharing is helping you. Or, that you know someone that you can share it with. It helps me to know. You are loved.
Kari
Added Wednesday, March, 23, 2011- Leaving for the reunion tomorrow! Pray for me to shine His light!
