This Girls Liars Club

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." ~John Steinbeck

Just the other night I nestled into my bed to watch, "Dallas Buyers Club". I knew the subject matter was provocative and that the real life story was made up of things that many could not or would not find palatable. It is not my habit to watch movies like this either. But I had my own reasons for watching. Because even in the obviously overt sexuality of this story, I knew that I would find myself.

I wept after watching Matthew McConaughey's, "Ron Woodruff" find out that he had AIDS. And I wept at the fragility of Jared Leto's, "Rayon" and her own loveless life and struggle. All that I saw were lost souls. The kind of people that I love to meet. Like Pam, the transgendered woman that did my nails a while back. People like me. The me of years ago...The me of even now, as I take inventory of the recklessness of years past and yet living now with redeemed tranquility and the hope that Christ gives to my life.

You see, as I've eluded to, my life was filled with random sexual encounters. I honestly don't even know how many partners that I had all those years ago. There were a lot. I will leave it at that. And sadly, it was very seldom that I had protected sex. My memories of a lot of these trysts are askew for sure as I was generally extremely intoxicated. Much like Ron, I did not value myself enough to make healthier choices. I was never a prostitute, per say. But for all intents and purposes, I did sell myself for alcohol, sadly, several times.

There are a few occasions where I went "home" with random strangers after a night at a club. I was not only self medicating and self loathing, but self harming through this medium of drugs and high or fix to quell the pain of an internal malady that I did not understand at all. The pain of the rape from my senior year in high school had flipped an "off" switch to my heart. All this to say, it's a miracle that I was not killed or that I did not contract any sexually transmitted diseases. I still thank God for this... With the keeping of the details of these hookups to myself, I'm stunned that God spared me.

Stunned.

A feeling of undeserved merit washed over me just now...

Back to the movie, while I'm fuzzy on the timeline of this, I do remember a very emotional day where I had come to fear that I did in fact have AIDS. I even remember thinking that I could have it for ten years and not know. Just the notion of that was a death sentence to me.

I had been having a weird symptom. My mouth was peeling. I went to the doctor and while there he asked about my sexual history. After discussing the little that I chose to share with him, he told me that he felt that an HIV test was in order. This was well over 20 years ago, so there was still so much unknown regarding the virus. I had to wait for days for the results. I remember going to my friend, Paula Compton. I didn't really want to confess to her the ugliness of my past transgressions, but I was a full out mess. I just remember sitting with her, bawling my eyes out, as she just held me.

The results were negative, Praise The Lord! And, I have thanked Him a million times since.

During the movie, I wept for these characters as I felt their pain. Ron's flashbacks of his insane appetite for sex took him down a road to death. He recognized it. You saw his regret. I saw and felt the same regret. Yet, with a knowing that I had been spared.

Saved.

I have been pardoned so many times that I can hardly fathom. I won't go into any more gory details, but trust me... I was spared. And, while I don't want to stroll down this, the ugly side of my memory lane, I choose too just now as to be carefully cognizant of ALL that I have been delivered from and forgiven of in my life.

And, still am.

I feel that I have lived a million lifetimes in my 48 years. But, again and again and again... I am grateful for the abundant love of a Heavenly Father Who loves me...
-No matter what-
A Savior Who meets me right where I'm at
every
single
time.

And, He waits for you too.

"I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I did not hide;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”;
And You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah." ~Psalm 32:5

(I'm not advocating this movie. Or, these actors. I made the choice to watch knowing full well the content. I am fascinated with real life stories. I love movies with great acting. Please do not chastise me for my viewing choices. This post is meant solely as a tool for those that might need encouragement in dealing with their own sins and the shame that follows.)

Back in those days I was in my very own kind of buyers club, The Liars Club. You see I bought into the lie that I was not worth much.

I am no longer a member.

Kari